It's Been A Long Hard Winter

It's been a while since I blogged. Quite a while. You may have even forgot that I had a blog! I thought of it once in a while. Laid down and the thought passed. Thought about it again. Thought about what to say and share -- didn't come up with a whole lot. At least much that I figured would be helpful to anyone else. But you know what? Sometimes the richness of God's best soil develops after a long hard winter where there has been seemingly little good and far too much barren harshness. That's kind of how I have felt this past year. Almost four and a half years of chronic pain and blessed little answers. I'm now to the point of surrendering. Not to the pain - heck no! I will fight the pain 'til I die! I am surrendering to God's purposes in and through this. Do I know what He is doing? Nope. But He does. Can I see any good coming out of this?? Bits. Glimmers. Glimpses.

The Bible tells us that Jesus was well-acquainted with our sufferings. That He experienced pain -- some of the worst physical pain imaginable through the process of crucifixion. It was pretty much the pain that killed him as he suffocated. He suffered emotional, mental and spiritual pain as well -- that even evidenced itself through a process of physical distress wherein the blood came out his pores with sweat (it's a rare condition called hematidrosis). How can we think we are not interconnected?! The physical affecting the emotional, mental and spiritual -- and any combination thereof. Pain is part of this life -- it actually has a very poignant way of pointing us toward the eternal -- life beyond the brokenness of this fallen world.

Joni Eareckson Tada knows pain more than anyone I know. She has written several books on suffering and I love her writing. “Suffering provides the gym equipment on which my faith can be exercised.”

(From her book, "Suffering, Making Sense of Suffering).

Faith definitely gets a workout through times of suffering and struggle. We are forced to work through our beliefs and choose to believe -- to keep believing -- to walk in faith through the blistering storms where we cannot see. Anything. 'Til after. Maybe. Here's what I do know. When I trust God and walk in faith. I find peace. And ultimately, I find joy. Or maybe, they find me.

Photo graciously provided by my lovely friend, Brenda Fidelak, who truly knows what it is to dance in the rain!

Purposeful Pain

Pain, pain go away, don't come back another day! That's what I think of pain! Whether it's emotional, mental, physical or spiritual pain. This is truly where we see the overlap of all 'our pieces.' As I have spoken about in Living Wholly before, we cannot separate our lives into parts -- we are integrated beings. What happens to us physically, effects us mentally. What effects us emotionally can impact our physical health and so on.

As I continue on this journey with chronic pain, I am trying to glean purpose from it. C.S. Lewis was quoted as saying that 'pain is God's megaphone.' It has a way of getting our attention! So what can I learn from my pain? What has my pain given me? Here are a few things that I have written down --

• Greater appreciation of life itself
• Greater appreciation of the gifts and abilities that I do have
• Gratitude/grateful heart
• Freedom to embrace life more fully
• Perseverance
• Greater understanding and compassion for those who are suffering
• Ability to identify with and empathize with those who are struggling through difficulties
• Pain reminds me of my desperate need for God
• It gives me a longing and desire for the hope that is to come -- pain-free heaven.
• It makes me humble -- more aware of my need for God and others.

It is a reminder to be practicing the principles that Jesus taught, to 'cast my burdens on Him because He cares for me,' and to yoke (join or unite) myself with Jesus. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30.

In Bible times, this metaphor made total sense -- today, we don't often see a yoke of oxen -- two oxen walking together with a 'yoke' on. Typically one stronger ox was yoked with a weaker ox which allowed the pair to accomplish much more by decreasing the weight of the burden and leveraging the strength of the combined effort.

This is another positive of pain -- when you are yoked to something, it takes a little more effort to get away! You're not just going to wander off and end up a great distance from that which you are yoked to!

So perhaps the yoke is on me after all! :-) May we take up the very resources that are available to us -- the strength, love and support of Jesus. If God doesn't take us from it, He will take us through it.

Setbacks and Other Fun Stuff

Have you ever experienced a breakthrough that led you to have such joy and relief that it almost made you forget about the original problem? It's an awesome feeling! It's like the object that has been so prominent in the forefront of the picture of your life, fades into the background. I have experienced this recently with a breakthrough in my chronic pain. All of a sudden the past two years of pain drifted away to the recesses of my mind as I experienced a few days where the pain was essentially gone. Ever heard the phrase, "I got a new lease on life?" Well, I did, and I liked the terms of this lease way more!

The new treatments being used by my chiropractor and the acupuncturist seemed to be alleviating the pain cycle that was locked into my lower back. How do you spell relief? RELIEF! I started to move more freely and without pain. Made it 'til the end of the day and didn't need any medication. Hmmmm. Thinking I could get to like this! Even did some things around the house that I haven't been able to do for ages. And then it happened. The 'process' kicked in.

I went back to the chiropractor for another treatment with the new technique and this time he used instruments to do soft-tissue manipulation -- the "Graston Technique." Short-term pain for long term gain. That's the new slogan. He literally digs into the erector muscles in my lower back to break down the tissue damage and cause it to re-grow in a healthy manner. Result - pain again. Sigh. But that brief window of relief made me more able to accept this pain. The process is taking place. The tissues are breaking free of the scar tissue which formed during the past two years in response to being locked up with pain. The tissue needs to breakdown, re-grow and heal in the proper place.

Don't you hate process?! And even more - correction? Yet what if we need a strategic intervention in order to get to the root of the problem -- to assess the broken down junk in our life, to break it down further so it can be gotten rid of. To push through the process in order to bring correction and to allow healing to break forth? Ahhh, sweet process! It is there that I am reminded of my deep and unrelenting need for God! HE is my Source and my Refuge. 'They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and never faint,' Isaiah 40:31. I take courage from Philippians 4:12-13, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

Who Knew?!

Who knew I would be asked to be a guest author on another blog!  Next Wednesday, April 20, I will be writing a post for Lynn J. Simpson's blog, check it out at http://connectingstories.blogspot.com  What shall I write about? 

I saw my OBGYN today.  Perhaps I could write about that.  He asked me if I am having any menopausal symptoms.  When I told him what is going on in my life, he seemed happy and quickly made some notations on his laptop.  He has a perplexed look as I tell him that I am still experiencing chronic pain.  He defers quickly to muscular-skeletal issues.  Whew!  That certainly lets him off the hook! 

The problem is my medical doctor is convinced its not muscular skeletal.  In fact, they have plundered me with a vast array of tests -- x-rays, CT scans, MRIs, blood work, and sordid other tests involving long lengths of hose and a flashlight!  Sigh.  I've been to two family doctors, an internal medicine doctor, a rheumatoid specialist, two OB's, a chiropractor, acupuncturist, massage therapist, physical therapists and a dentist ...although I'm not sure that his involvement lends to an understanding of my pain but he did cause some so I thought I'd throw him in!  

The diagnosis?  A severe case of 'Pass the buck!'  "It's not my area; so not my concern.  Go see someone else."  Isn't it interesting that no one wants to be responsible for another person being in pain?  No one wants to be the one who says, "yes, I'm the one who can help (or not help) you.  And I don't know what to do."  What if it makes us feel incompetent?  Incapable?  Human?!  We'd rather refer to someone else -- pass the buck as it were, so we don't have to face our own lack of knowledge.  We don't know what is wrong and we don't know how to fix it.  And more frighteningly, we might not be able to.  We hate not knowing -- it makes us so painfully aware of our lack of control in a world that is so fraught with ambiguity.

The prescription? "They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them." Psalms 112:7.  Trust.  Such a simple word to say yet pointless unless put into action.  I choose to trust!  I choose to trust in the God who cares for me.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."  Trust.