Don't you wish there were more signs like this as we walk through life?! The question is -- would we listen? Or would we ignore the sign and walk on the unsafe trail anyway? "Who are 'they' to tell me this trail isn't safe?!' or 'They can't tell ME not to walk on this trail!' Why are we so bent on following our own wills, especially in the face of apparent danger or warning?

A Spanish monk, named Carlos Villas, was riding his bicycle in the countryside of India when he came across a snake bobbing and weaving as it stared at a small bird. The bird was mesmerized by the snake. It's like he was being hypnotized by the gentle movements of the snake. Villas waved his arms and ran toward the pair. It was successful -- the snake's stare was broken and the bird broke free of his stupor and flew to safety.

Living under the stare of the snake is part of the human experience -- whether it is perfectionism, working too much, obsession with external appearance, pride, lust, greed, self-hatred or any number of addictive issues. As Gordon MacDonald writes in one of my all-time favorite books, "The Life God Blesses," -- "Who has the power to break the stare of the snake?...the power lies in the sacrificial death of Jesus the Savior...The result? The soul -- life below the waterline -- can be reclaimed, returned to its original purpose: to be a dwelling place for God and a source-point for exceptional living." He goes on to relay the starting point for transformation is when we make a 'root choice' to change direction.

When we are offered a choice -- when someone waves to break the stare of the snake and we wake up from our stupor and realize impending danger. What will we choose? Will we exert our willfulness and demand our own way or will we exercise our will in a willing way driven by desire for freedom and transformation?

This exemplifies the skill we teach in counselling called 'willfulness vs. willingness' -- I know, such clever names these people come up with! It is a skill because it is a choice that we must make when we face the power of our will. Willfulness will always lead to relapse or some form of destructive behaviour. Willfulness insists on its own way. I DO IT MYSELF! (Humorous words from the mouth of a toddler yet destructive for a person recovering from addiction or destructive behaviour). Willingness is the choice to do whatever it takes to choose the wise decision in the moment. Willingness means "I will do what my treatment team is recommending" rather than what I feel like doing. Willingness says, "I will use 'the force' for good and not for evil!"

Willingness in spiritual terms, means that I choose to allow God to dwell in me and make my life exceptional. When Jesus breaks the stare of the snake, I will take flight and live as one who is liberated and set free!

Thanks a lot!

The woman took on a tone of disdain as she motioned her server over to the table. "Can you move a chair in between the tables for us?" "No, I'm afraid we can't put a chair in there." "Well, why on earth not?" "It would block access to the other table." "And that would be a problem?" 

We looked at each other and felt a moment's compassion for our server. "It's cold in here -- can you shut the door?" "No, sorry -- we have to leave it open." (And hello, you're in an open air restaurant!). "I don't like this meal!" "This is too salty!" "Give me something else -- but take this off my bill." "No, don't take it away -- I"ll eat some of it...just take it off my bill.""Hmph!"

Wow! We couldn't believe the audacity of this woman. Complain. Whine. Be rude. Snap at the server. Gripe about virtually every part of the dining experience. The crazy part is -- it was at one of the most breathtaking and wonderful restaurants, "George's at the Cove" in La Jolla, California! The picture to the left is the view we had! The food was amazing and the service was excellent! In fact, we went back the next day and asked for the same server because she was so good and so much fun! (I even messed with her by complaining that my tuna melt tasted fishy! :-) The sad part is -- this woman definitely suffered from a severe case of ingratitude -- potentially terminal!

In his book, "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived; King Solomon's Secrets to Success, Wealth and Happiness" by Steven K. Scott, we find a potent quote about gratitude: "It's impossible to be grateful and unhappy at the same moment in time. Any moment, hour, day, or week that you are unhappy, you have chosen to let your focus rest on something other than the gifts you have been given. Let your unhappiness serve as an alarm to redirect your focus and energy" (p. 98).

Psychology and the world of medicine have also started to document the incredible healing power of gratitude and having a grateful heart. Robert Emmons and his colleagues at the University of California at Davis, are leading researchers on gratitude, and Emmons is the author of "Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier" (Houghton Mifflin, 2007). In a recent research study, they discovered that those in the gratitude group felt better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the future, and reported fewer health problems than the other participants. 

Summarizing the findings from studies to date, Emmons says that those who practice grateful thinking "reap emotional, physical and interpersonal benefits." People who regularly keep a gratitude journal report fewer illness symptoms, feel better about their lives as a whole, and are more optimistic about the future. Emmons conclusion is that gratitude is a choice, one possible response to our life experiences. (Counting Your Blessings: How Gratitude Improves Your Health by Bruce Campbell).

The Bible has a lot to say about gratitude/thanksgiving /gratefulness/appreciation -- beyond being a Christian virtue, we now see that gratitude has a tremendous impact on our being physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually! Next time you find yourself being ungrateful or complaining, think of the many things in your life that you have to be thankful for. Adopt a grateful spirit and choose to appreciate the things that you have, can do, and experience. Not only will it drive out unhappiness but it will brighten the lives of those you come in contact with.  Make a list of things you are thankful for and keep it handy to remind yourself when you are tempted to be ungrateful and become discouraged. A gratitude journal can be a tremendous resource as well -- just writing down one thing that you are grateful for each day can help to transform your attitude. Look for the positives -- have a grateful heart and enjoy the life that God has given you!

Why not just check out?!

The perils of detachment! Although this picture is related to the bondage of the weigh scale -- it also depicts what detachment looks like! Disconnection. Not being whole. Not in unity with the 'whole self.' As the focus of this blog is related to 'Living Wholly!' I want to speak to the dangers of detachment.

Detachment occurs when we operate as though we can disconnect parts of ourselves from other parts -- for example, coming home from work and detaching through overeating, over-exercise, drugs, alcohol, zoning out in front of the TV or computer, etc. At those times, we are physically present but zoned out/disconnected from our thoughts and feelings -- our emotional, spiritual and mental pieces are disregarded.

This is where eating disorders, perfectionism and other ineffective coping skills grow. In order to disconnect and stay detached, a person has to keep engaging in the detaching behaviour -- that is because we are meant to be whole!

So what's the difference between 'checking out' and doing self-care that involves 'taking it easy?' The primary difference is awareness. If you are exhausted and/or overwhelmed at the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself. If you come home and say to yourself, "I don't want to think or feel anything..." Enter detachment -- which is unhealthy and only temporarily effective at best.

Instead, take a couple of minutes to acknowledge/identify what you are feeling. What's the day been like? How are you feeling now emotionally -- or how were you feeling during the day? Notice those emotions -- don't judge them. Just observe what's there. Take a moment to consider what you most need, based on what the emotions are telling you. We all have emotions and they are hardwired! They give us important information so that we can actually meet our valid needs.

For example, if your day has been full of pressure and left you drained from people contact, you may need some downtime/quiet time by yourself doing something that recharges you. Or if you are feeling lonely because you haven't had much people contact, you may need to reach out and have some connection. If a day has felt rather out of control and anxiety producing, you might need comfort and stability; this is a perfect time to do something soothing like take a relaxing walk, listen to music, soak in the tub or cuddle up with a big dog. Petting a dog or cat for 5-10 minutes a day is proven to reduce blood pressure!

The difference between 'checking out'/detaching and self-care is 'checking-in.' And it only takes a couple of minutes to check in with yourself -- notice what you are feeling and do something effective to meet your needs rather than trying to avoid thinking or feeling. Once you get the hang of it, checking in can be a very quick and routine habit that you do during the course of the day so that you are taking good care of yourself and staying attached to ALL your parts.

The Essential Nature of an Internal Locus

What do you think of when you hear the term, 'internal locus?' And no, that doesn't mean that I just ate a chocolate covered grasshopper! Locus is the correct term -- in Latin it means 'place.' In psychology, it is used in conjunction with having an internal or external locus of control. Every time I say it, I confess that I do tend to visualize a grasshopper -- and frankly, I'd rather have one on the outside of me! However, after living through the 1980's plagues of grasshoppers in Saskatchewan, I did NOT do well with the grasshoppers hitting the side view mirror on the car, propel through the open window and come zinging down the front of my shirt at 80 kilometres an hour! Nor did I do well with making my way through them (roughly 80 grasshoppers per sidewalk block) whilst wearing a dress and nylons on the way to work! (And did you know that nylons serve as a perfect net for catching hold of grasshopper feet?!?!?) Okay...now I'm getting shivers! Post-Traumatic Grasshopper Disorder kicking in!

I digress -- Locus of Control. Let's look first at the external locus of control. An external locus of control is where the determining factors for your choices come from outside sources. Picture a circle with a dot in the middle. You are the dot! Now imagine a bunch of arrows coming from the outside toward the centre/the dot. This is what an external locus looks like. These arrows represent different people or pressures -- trying to define what you are supposed to be like/do, etc. The problem with an external locus of control is that the person in the middle never knows for sure what they are supposed to be or do -- they keep morphing and masking, trying to please everyone in his/her life. This is a recipe for depression and anxiety. "Who do you want me to be?" is a common question here, and there is no anchoring point. The 'dot' in the middle gets pushed around and pressured by the external pressures/sources.

An internal locus of control looks different on a directional basis. Here the arrows go outward from the centre/the dot. The person defines from the inside out what kind of person they want to be/choose to be. They decide what kind of things they value, how they perform as an employee/student/professional, what kind of friend they are, how they want to interact with their parents or spouse, what they determine to be a priority, what energizes them, etc. The internal locus has an anchoring point. It assumes personal responsibility, which is something easily avoided through blaming in the external locus. The internal locus of control enforces personal choice and responsibility, which ultimately leads to wholeness.

An internal locus feels different than an external locus.  It is like the difference between driving your own life so that you end up where you want to go verses being in the passenger seat and allowing other people in your life to drive and determine where you end up. From a faith perspective, imagine yourself in the driver's seat and God helping you navigate (He's better than On-Star!). The ultimate form of health and wellness is an internal locus of control, anchored in the truth of who you are in Christ -- cemented in the truths found in Scripture. And frankly, it's a whole lot more fun to drive!

Purposeful Pain

Pain, pain go away, don't come back another day! That's what I think of pain! Whether it's emotional, mental, physical or spiritual pain. This is truly where we see the overlap of all 'our pieces.' As I have spoken about in Living Wholly before, we cannot separate our lives into parts -- we are integrated beings. What happens to us physically, effects us mentally. What effects us emotionally can impact our physical health and so on.

As I continue on this journey with chronic pain, I am trying to glean purpose from it. C.S. Lewis was quoted as saying that 'pain is God's megaphone.' It has a way of getting our attention! So what can I learn from my pain? What has my pain given me? Here are a few things that I have written down --

• Greater appreciation of life itself
• Greater appreciation of the gifts and abilities that I do have
• Gratitude/grateful heart
• Freedom to embrace life more fully
• Perseverance
• Greater understanding and compassion for those who are suffering
• Ability to identify with and empathize with those who are struggling through difficulties
• Pain reminds me of my desperate need for God
• It gives me a longing and desire for the hope that is to come -- pain-free heaven.
• It makes me humble -- more aware of my need for God and others.

It is a reminder to be practicing the principles that Jesus taught, to 'cast my burdens on Him because He cares for me,' and to yoke (join or unite) myself with Jesus. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30.

In Bible times, this metaphor made total sense -- today, we don't often see a yoke of oxen -- two oxen walking together with a 'yoke' on. Typically one stronger ox was yoked with a weaker ox which allowed the pair to accomplish much more by decreasing the weight of the burden and leveraging the strength of the combined effort.

This is another positive of pain -- when you are yoked to something, it takes a little more effort to get away! You're not just going to wander off and end up a great distance from that which you are yoked to!

So perhaps the yoke is on me after all! :-) May we take up the very resources that are available to us -- the strength, love and support of Jesus. If God doesn't take us from it, He will take us through it.

Well, I'll Be!

The key learning I have received in the past couple of weeks is the power of prevailing prayer. The kind of prayer where we don't stop! Where we actually believe that what we say to God makes a difference! I have been keenly reminded that God IS moved by our prayers. God is relational -- and He hears our requests. He does not tune us out and pretend that our prayers are just 'blah, blah, blah...'  He listens to our prayers. He is moved by them. He answers our prayers. 

Sometimes it takes time. Often, our timeline does not line up with God's timeline, but that is not an indication that He is not listening or answering. It means that He does things HIS way in HIS timing because He actually and ultimately knows what is best. He desires the best for us!

Last time I wrote my blog, there was a heaviness -- an air of sadness as we stared death in the face on two different sides. Death doesn't always win! In fact, it is important to remember that death HAS been conquered! I Corinthians 15:55-57 tells us, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."II Timothy 1:10, "but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel."

Our family member whose heart stopped for about 10 minutes, is home and continuing to heal.  We are Princess Bride fans, so refer to the quote where Billy Crystal reports that the man is 'only mostly dead.' We prayed, we petitioned God, we pleaded for Him to intercede and heal, and He did! My aunt who was on life support and headed rapidly towards death is now sitting up and off the life support -- she is aware and recovering. We prayed, we petitioned God, we asked for His mercy, and He answered our prayers.  Do not underestimate the power of your prayers.

Life is Fragile - Live, Love, Laugh

Life. It's so fragile! So easy to take it for granted. We forget that life is terminal. NO ONE gets out of this alive!

Not sure if you are familiar with this song by Tim McGraw but it's a powerful reminder to "Live Like You're Dying:"




"I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
An' a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days,
Looking at the x-rays,
An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time."
I asked him when it sank in,
That this might really be the real end?
How’s it hit you when you get that kind of news?
Man whatcha do?

An' he said: "I went sky diving,
I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

He said "I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn’t.
An' I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all of a sudden goin' fishin’,
Wasn’t such an imposition,
And I went three times that year I lost my Dad.
Well, I finally read the Good Book,
And I took a good long hard look,
At what I'd do if I could do it all again,
And then:

I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?
An' what can I do with it?
An' what would I do with it?

"Sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
And then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

-- by Tim McGraw; dedicated to the memory of his father, Tug McGraw.

In my small circle of influence, the past 24ish hours have included my adopted sister's father-in-law dying suddenly of a bowel obstruction, a family member almost dying at the age of 41when her heart stopped as she valiantly fights cancer, and my aunt going on life support with no expectation that she will make it. Life is so very fragile and unpredictable. No guarantees. I challenge you, I urge you, to view tomorrow as your gift -- now what will you do with it?

May you live well, love deeply and laugh richly.  'This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.' Psalms 118:24