Resiliency -- Something We Really Need

Why is it that two people raised in the same home can end up so differently? Even identical twins can endure the same kind of trauma and be effected in totally different ways. During the brunt force of trauma a person can implode and fracture. They can explode and destroy. Or they can survive and thrive as they heal. So why do some people pass through horrific trials and trauma and come out the other side with peaceful smiles on their faces?

Corrie Ten Boom is one such person. She is one of the most resilient people I have ever heard of. She was a Dutch woman whose family helped save the lives of over 800 jews and numerous members of the Dutch Underground. Not only did she live through the holocaust and three horrendous concentration camps that stole the lives of her sister, father and one other family member. Corrie Ten Boom didn't just survive. She overcame her imprisonment and found peace and freedom in forgiveness. She went on to write books and share what she learned through her trials "There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still" and "God will give us the love to be able to forgive our enemies."   (Read more at http://www.corrietenboom.com).

Walking on the beach in Galveston I found this shell. I'm a bit of a fanatic when it comes to shelling! I am intrigued by the shape, colour, texture and personality of these shells. This white shell was so thin it was almost translucent, yet it had endured being tossed around in a roiling ocean. Tiny ridges detailed this shell as you can see -- intricate, fragile and yet so very resilient! I found a number of shells like this one -- sturdy little fellas! I was also looking for some bigger more colourful shells that had a big circular spiral  to them. I found lots of pieces but no whole shells. It was rather ironic to see these bigger, substantial creatures with thick shells broken to pieces while these thin little white ones were basking in the sunshine on a Texan beach.

So what makes one shell more resilient than an other? What makes one person more resilient than another? What are the markers of resiliency? Can we make ourselves more resilient or is just innate? Resiliency is the ability to withstand shock and crisis without permanent damage – an ability to recover from or adjust relatively easily to misfortune or change.

Here are some things that build resiliency:
- Laugh more.
- Re-cast situations/challenge your perspectives.
- Look for the good rather than focusing on the negative.
- Forgive those who have harmed you.
- Look for opportunities to do something different, then do it!
- Laugh more.
- Remember that you have choice; choose to be grateful and hopeful.

This is where the Serenity Prayer affords such wisdom (in its entirety):

"God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen."                  -- Reinhold Niebuhr

We cannot change who we have been but we can change who we become. By the grace of God, may we become more resilient and experience the peace of a life well-lived and a contented smile. "For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11b-13.

The Triple Threat - Body, Mind & Spirit

In this journey through chronic pain, I have become even more aware of the interconnectedness of body, mind and spirit. What happens in the body does effect the mind and the spirit -- and vice-versa. What we think about and dwell on effects us spiritually, emotionally and physically. What happens in our physical body impacts our spirit and our minds. How do we interpret the events we are experiencing? What meaning will we assign to them?

Then we have the emotions. They are easily swayed by our thoughts and actions, in fact, they are a product of what we think about and how we behave. Behaviour + Thoughts = Feelings. We often think change will come when we feel better/differently. The problem with that theory is the feelings come last! So we have to change what we tell ourselves and how we act, in order to change how we feel.

This is why it is so important to remember that our parts are interconnected. We end up in all forms of trouble when we think that what we do in one realm does not effect the others. This is also why we need balance and moderation in our whole being.

Practical example time -- care of the body requires that we fuel our body appropriately so it can operate and take care of it with moderate levels of activity/exercise, rest, medical care as needed and personal hygiene. This is not to be our priority each day, it is one part of being a balanced whole! Our present culture has become overly focused on the pursuit of physical beauty and extreme fitness. The word 'body' is mentioned 255 times in the Bible and little of that has to do with its care. It's pretty basic - 'feed and care for it' Ephesians 5:29 and know that it is the perishable part of our being - 'While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life,' II Corinthians 5:4. Our external appearance is not supposed to be our focus. "The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" I Samuel 16:7b.

This does not mean we are to neglect the proper care of our body. Too many people have decided to fuel the body's desires and this is not balanced either -- it crosses over into the practice of hedonism, which is the pursuit of personal pleasure as the final aim. This leads to a serving of the body and doing 'whatever feels good.' We are not supposed to indulge in excess or gluttony. Our bodies are to be offered up to God as 'instruments of righteousness' (Romans 6:13) -- they are the living residence of the Holy Spirit and we are called to honour God with our body (I Corinthians 6:19-20).

The interconnectedness of 'the triple threat' is seen further in Proverbs 18:14, 'The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit?" Thus the need to care for the spirit. If we spend time caring for our body during the day, don't we also need to care for the spirit each day? Quiet time for reflection, prayer, Bible reading, praise, gratitude, meditation, worship music and journaling are just a few ways to care for the spirit. And how do we care for our mind? Pay attention to what we are thinking about -- knowing that it does matter what we entertain in our thoughts and fill our minds with. Our minds are to be set 'on what the Spirit desires...the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:5b-6). "Working out" each day and then neglecting the rest of our being is neglect and leads to disaster. The source of what defiles/spoils us is our heart (Mark 7:15) and we are told to guard our hearts for they are they wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). This takes intention and mindfulness -- potentially changing our daily priorities.

The challenge then becomes to remember that we are body, mind, and soul/spirit -- each part flowing into the other. Being mindful to nurture each part so the interconnectedness fuels wholeness and health. Balance. Moderation. Wholeness.

Trust - a dirty word?

When you think about trusting someone, what comes to mind? What makes a person trustworthy? Is it because you have known them a long time or because of them proving themselves to be reliable? Is reliable the same as trustworthy? Trust seems to be one of the most difficult things for us to do as human beings. Multiple times in the Bible we read the phrase, "Trust in the Lord." Easier said than done! I especially like "Trust in the Lord and do not be afraid" (wish sarcasm had its own font!!) The word 'trust' is used 103 times in the Bible -- sensing a theme! It literally means 'trust in; to have confidence, be confident; to be bold; to be secure.'

I like the thought of security. I like to know what is going to happen. My human nature tends to default to believing that I trust the Lord with everything, and then me trying to figure it all out and make it happen through my own abilities. Not that I don't mean well but I can easily slip from being in a position of trusting God and walking in submission to His purposes for me, and moving into my own agenda and control of the situation. Let's just clear something up with regard to that even dirtier word, submission -- the best picture I ever learned of what submission really looks like is 'to lean into.' When we lean into God and cooperate with Him, the task is easier and we have His power available and enabling us to do anything.

So why is it so hard to trust? Why do I struggle with staying in a place of submission to God's will and leaning into Him? It would appear that my human nature wants to be in control of what is going on and to know what is going to happen next. Trusting God means walking in darkness with a flashlight beam's worth of light shining at your feet. God knows where we are going and what the next step entails. So why can't I just trust Him with that and just walk? It would seem that we truly cannot fathom our God or understand His ways. We lack an eternal perspective and cannot begin to comprehend what God is doing and why.

I was praying 'not my will but Yours' -- that's what sparked all this T-word stuff. Can I trust the Lord no matter what, for the working out of His eternal purposes? Jesus prayed that same prayer and submitted Himself fully to the will of the Father in order to accomplish God's ultimate and eternal purpose of salvation for us. Yet Jesus was fully human and fully God. I can't imagine the internal distress and conflict that must have been for Him! To know that He had to fight His human will and allow people to abuse, traumatize  and murder Him without exercising His Divine Identity and Power. Talk about self-control! Especially in light of our human nature default to want to take control. Jesus so easily could have said, "How dare you punch the Son of God!" Lightning bolt = pile of smokin' ash. "Forget it God, I am NOT going to stand for this!" Dramatic roar, slow motion tearing off of the sarcastic purple cloak and the abusers running in terror.

He didn't. He felt it. He asked God to take this suffering away from Him and to accomplish His purposes in some other way. He pleaded in prayer with the Father to the point where blood secreted out of His sweat glands, a medical phenomenon that is seen rarely at points of extreme stress. Jesus chose to trust His Father with the plan. He leaned into God's purposes for salvation & redemption, and allowed God to work through Him to accomplish His eternal purposes.

Will we? Will we choose to trust God's heart and love for us, even if we don't know what the next steps are? I am trying to lean into God and trust Him more and more fully with my life. I'm trying to do that without being afraid and you know what I'm finding in the midst of that? I'm finding God's peace. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Don't Wait and See

 Ah summer time! Time to enjoy the summer sunshine, the warm breezes, the refreshing rains, and if you're lucky enough, the crashing waves of the ocean as you relax on a beach somewhere! We have been enjoying some time in Southern California and there is no lack of potential clients running, biking, rollerblading and power walking down the walkways by the beach.
I am very distressed by the number of women, and men, who are tirelessly pursuing the unattainable standards being purported by our culture's obsession with thinness. I want to scream and tell them all to stop! To just live their lives to the fullest -- having fun and enjoying their day at the beach. To not care what others may or may not be thinking of them, but to just relax and enjoy the body that God has given them. In Ephesians 5:28 it reads, "In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies." The writer of Ephesians is not promoting a narcissistic, self-absorbed obsession with self-love! The Greek word for love means 'to be well pleased, to be contented at or with a thing.'


Can you imagine? What would our world be like if we could actually just love our bodies in an appropriate God-honouring, self-honouring way? To be 'well pleased/contented' with our bodies -- thus allowing us to get on with just living and squeezing the most out of each moment of this life! Just take care of your body in a balanced way. Moderate eating. Moderate physical activity. (You don't even need to walk into a gym)! The Canada Food Guide gives an overview of all the basic food groups and what appropriate portion sizing looks like. Eat a variety of those foods, in moderation, and you'll be fuelling your body in an effective way. It's all about portion size and frequency. Once you've started a practice of moderation, choose to love and accept your body for what it is -- a carrying case for your soul and mind to get to the beach!

If you have an eating disorder or struggle with disordered eating like restricting or overeating/binging, don't 'wait and see' what happens as your day wears on. Make a plan for how you are going to make your day successful. 'Waiting to see' opens the door to rationalizing, minimizing and denial, three very ugly bedfellows! One of the struggles with 'slipping' as you endeavour to change any destructive behaviour is that all or nothing thinking often kicks in like a pendulum swinging from one ineffective side to the other. This can set the stage for further slipping as you might rationalize that 'today is wrecked' so might as well blow it for the rest of the day and get on track tomorrow. So don't wait and see! As you can see from this photo I took at the beach, this little girl is about to find out what happens when you 'wait and see' what a brother does with a lot of sand! Make a plan - be strategic and determine what you need to do today in order to be successful. Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away, it only leaves you wide open to messing up and getting discouraged. Being strategic reinforces that you have the ability to make significant, effective change -- that you can succeed! 
  

Body, Mind, Soul AND Spirit - equal care?

In my work as an eating disorder's specialist and Registered Psychologist, I frequent the dark side of our culture's obsession with physical appearance. It is not a nice place to see so often. "Health, fitness, weight loss, leaning down, etc." all about becoming a 'better you.' Really? Is it actually 'better' to be obsessed with one's physical appearance and adhering to our culture's tremendous imbalance of what dictates beauty? Research is finally getting past the pharmaceutical companies and multimillion dollar diet industry to release true statistics about physical health.

Let's review some of these facts: 1. Diets don't work (yet what is the topic of frequent conversations with friends in our lives?!). The sad thing is it's proven! Diets DON'T work!! In fact, they create what is now formally called 'weight cycling' which is proven to be very destructive and damaging to our physical bodies, let alone what it does to our self-esteem and mental health. Frequent dieting causes the body to actually move it's weight set-point higher and higher, which leads to additional weight gain after recurring bouts of harsh/extreme weight loss attempts driven by imbalance in diet or exercise.

2. Being leaner doesn't necessarily make you more healthy. This argument falls right back into the place of balance and moderation. Optimum health is found in a place of balance, within your body's natural weight range, not in morbid obesity and not in a place of extreme leanness, even if you don't meet the criteria for anorexia. Being too lean can damage the body's organs and lead to other forms of illness, including increased infertility in women and problems with reproduction.

3. Being in one's best health is not confined to physical fitness! If that is the focus of all that you do...daily obsession with food, fitness and what you're doing with your body in pursuit of 'health,' then you are incredibly out of balance! The care of body needs to be in balance with the amount of time, energy, focus and resource you put towards the care of your mind, soul and spirit! Think about it being a pie -- does your physical care take up more than 25% of your time, focus and energy? If so, your life is out of balance and you may be in danger of developing orthorexia nervosa -- a mental disorder that focuses on 'being healthy' to an extreme. One's extreme practices with food and exercise are buffered with the plea that you are 'just being healthy.' But it controls your life -- imbalanced focus on exercise, 'healthy eating' (which enforces the misbelief that there are good foods vs. bad foods rather than the truth that food is just fuel and there are bad portion sizes and bad frequency, but everything is okay within the scope of moderation!).

4. Having more muscle than fat/being 'leaner' and more fit does NOT make you a 'better' person. In all likelihood it gives you a puffed up sense of self-importance and superiority over those who aren't as 'fit,' possibly even judging the hearts of those who don't 'measure up' to your standard of fitness/food obsession -- thinking that they are somehow lacking in self-discipline or are 'weak minded.' This tends to lead to a place where judgment becomes the filter by which you compare yourself to others (which becomes a losing battle all on its own as there will always be someone more muscular, more lean, more anorexic, etc). Obsession with anything leads to imbalance. Judging people based on physical appearance and the externals is not only wrong according to Biblical standards, it turns you into a self-absorbed person who starts to base their self-worth on keeping up their own appearances. A dangerous place to 'store' the basis for your worth and value!

5. Moderation works. Period. The Bible directs us continually towards moderation and balance.  Moderate eating, moderate levels of physical activity, moderate work, moderate rest, moderate spending of resources, etc. The only problem with moderation is that it doesn't sell! People want quick fixes -- they want instant gratification and 'microwave convenience.' They want to correct a lifetime of poor choices with a simple plan -- 'can't I just fix everything in my life in one easy step?! A personal trainer? A therapist? A gym membership? A diet program?' Well, have we got a deal for you! That's why health and wellness is literally the largest, multibillion dollar industry -- feeding on the lie that pursuit of physical fitness/external appearance is the highest pursuit! Someone is making a good living from you struggling with the same lie that they are perpetuating. Clever!

The other problem is that moderation takes time and requires process. As human beings we typically cringe at having to tolerate distress and work through process. Moderation is actually the most cost effective and sustainable method of change. It almost sounds too easy. It moves you away from all or nothing thinking and into 'some.' From years of working with eating disordered clients I can honestly profess to you and endorse that the correction to binge eating, emotional eating, over exercise, restriction with food, and every other form of food/exercise imbalance is to practice moderation. Don't swing to the opposite end of the pendulum only to the middle. Moderation IS the correction! Make your physical activity something enjoyable -- walking, swimming, playing volleyball/soccer, play with little kids, walk the dog, do housework, gardening, yard work, etc. Enjoyment increases sustainability. Moderation truly brings about the most sustainable and effective method of change.


2 Corinthians 4:10-11 says, "Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies." What if we focused on how Jesus can be seen through us? Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit - "Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God?" I Corinthians 6:19. The focus is not to adorn the temple and worship the temple! This is idolatry! We are to use the temple to 'honour God with your body.' (6:20).

Our bodies are the carrying case for our spirit. Wouldn't it be more wise to invest our time and energy and resource into the part of us that is eternal rather than scrambling about madly as though we can fight our own mortality? Our bodies are dying. They are perishable goods. Take care of your body in appropriate, MODERATE means. Then use that vessel to give honour and glory to God -- by pursuing wholeness and wellness in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Use your imagination!

As I lay on the pier looking into the crystal clear waters beneath me, I feel like I'm gazing into a huge aquarium, with beautiful, colourful fish darting past. I see some children running after each other. Their laughter is contagious! Their house is very small compared to North American standards. Most of the Belizean houses are smaller and raised up a few feet from the ground on stilts. The school 'boat' takes the kids off to school in San Pedro about nine miles away. I can't quite imagine what it would be like to live here year round, but it makes for a lovely, relaxed vacation!

These kids have so little! Probably a couple of toys or books. Are they happy? They run and laugh and play. They appear to be very happy. Our kids have so much -- rooms filled with toys! And yet they complain of boredom! 'There's nothing to do!' I remember years ago when my children were little, I ran across an article talking about the benefits of boredom for children. It struck me as being funny but the premise was that boredom spurs creativity. If we don't become bored we do not invent, imagine, and look outside of ourselves. I remember saying, "good!" when one of my children professed a state of boredom, "now you can be creative!"

I'm starting to think that the human imagination is at risk of extinction! Not just for children but for adults. We need to imagine -- to dream, to pretend, to think about possibilities, to create! Our society is so eager to avoid stillness that it seems to equate stillness with boredom, or even worse, laziness --considering it to be 'unproductive.' And heaven forbid that we not be busy or appear to be busy at all times! "What have you been up to lately?" is a common question. Why do we think it's praiseworthy to say, "Oh my, I've been so busy"...and go on to list the many endeavours we have undertaken or how we are filling up our time with this and that. Is it because we find our sense of worth and value in what we do or have done? This is a faulty base to build your self-worth on!

Psalm 46:10 reads, "Be still and know that I am God." To be still literally means to 'cease striving.' Isn't it productive to cease striving? To take care of oneself? To get to know God? Is it even possible to know God when we are so busy and distracted and entertained? The word entertain actually means to hold the attention of by amusing or distracting/diverting. In this culture of entertainment overload, it becomes increasingly difficult to practice stillness (a discipline that will only be used if you choose it!).  Stillness is also a conduit for creativity and the imagination. The less we use our imaginations and draw from what's inside us, the less satisfied we become.

Why is this? Maybe we were meant for something more than pleasing ourselves and being entertained. Perhaps our boredom is supposed to make us uneasy and cause us to think of other things, concepts, ideas, etc. To long, to dream, to envision -- perhaps stillness is a practice that we ought to pursue. Maybe we are creatures of imagination who require less stimulation and ease then we presently experience. Next time you are tempted to 'get busy' and 'be productive,' consider what it is you actually want to achieve. Do you want to add to the list of things you have to do or do you want to invest in the spirit and soul and mind that God has given you to use -- and possibly to connect more fully with Him?

Just imagine!